Beware….you are about to enter into a very sensitive place within the world of Becky…….back out now while you still can.
This is for everyone who THINKS blogs are all “hunky dory” my life is “wow” thoughts. This is NOT one of those posts. This is my reality right now.
I have been in a serious RUT for about 3 weeks now. About 9 years ago, my sister and I defined what the word “rut” really stands for. “Really Unwilling To change.” I have been lazy, negative, pessimistic, annoyed, and plain old ornery. I have worked hard at the job I get paid for, but besides that, blah. I have felt overwhelmed with life: house chaos, being a mom, work, family, swine flu mess, sleep issues, etc, that I have basically decided to cave to the pressures and “screw it.” Meaning: why try to work so hard daily, hourly. Why? Don’t get me wrong, I still take care of my daughter, she’s healthy, well fed, bathed, and put to sleep every night. She is learning, living, and just fine. I, on the other hand am not. I guess I’m admitting that it wouldn’t be so bad to have someone who makes sure I’m healthy, well fed, bathed, and put to sleep every night. Am I learning, living, and just fine? That’s debatable.
Those underlying questions that the universe revolves around are weighing heavily in my mind. “What is my purpose? Am I making the most out of my life? Where do I go from here? What should I be doing every day? What makes me happy? How can feel that happiness and love daily? Am I being the example, the loving parent, wife, sister, daughter, that I should be?”
My beliefs are not wavering, I have faith, and I know that my Heavenly Father hears my prayers and loves me.
I am just extremely burnt out. I anticipate everyday for the energy and spit fire attitude (like Berkely exuberates), to come creeping back into my vains, and I am still waiting.
I let pressures from the world cloud my mind so easily. I don’t allow myself time to DO the things everyday that I know I need to do to stay focused. I hate feeling like I am becoming the type of person I have never wanted to become. I am very anti-social, love to stay in PJs all day, and am proud of myself when I remember to brush my teeth before I go to bed. Who lives like that? Me.
Sam took me to this memorial dinner the other night. It was a home health hospice agency honering all of their patients who had passed on last year. They had a little blurb about each person, while showing pictures of them on a slide show, and a harp playing songs in the back ground. It was a very touching experience, if you can only imagine. I sat there, listening to these blurbs thinking, “hmmmm, what in the heck would people say about me if I were to pass away right now.” These are a few things I came up with. “ Becky Semmens Seymour, always too busy to visit her family who lives 20 minutes away, yells at and spanks her daughter on occasion, spends way too much time on the computer, always on a diet, obsessed with her daughter's nap schedule, chews her fingernails to the brim, spends half her day cleaning up toddler messes, spends the other half wishing her daughter would play by herself so she could get something done, occasionally spends quality time with her husband, cooks dinner maybe once a week, would rather text someone than talk to them, has only 3 meager totes of food storage, has never done genealogy work, has never been to the cannery, watches too many hopeless romantic love stories, and is pretty much addicted to diet pepsi.”
Negativity aside, I have high hopes and all the desire in the world for November to be, like the movie titled, Sweet November. I am dedicating myself today to get out of this rut. I am dedicating to myself to change my attitude, my outlook on life, and the simple choices I make every day. I know I am the only one who can allow myself to be happy. I am feeling the energy start to fester deep down inside and can visualize a good start to a new me.
The end.
